Enigmatic Life

A million things have been written about intentions…the power of, the focusing of, the road to hell is paved with, etc.  Whether or we realize it or not, we are constantly in the pursuit of discerning others’ intentions.  Body language, voice inflections, facial expressions and a person’s historical behavior patterns give us clues.  If you are lucky, you are skilled in reading people’s intentions.  Many times, however, we are left wondering.  We leave a conversation and we think, “What did he or she really mean by that?”  We spend time in collaboration with a group of colleagues and we think to ourselves (but never utter out loud), “They seemed non-receptive and didn’t include me, BUT I’m not SURE, and if they did not, I don’t know why.”  Then there are those easy to read, positive moments that take you to the top of the world.  A colleague sacrifices time to assist you, departments of teachers supply your department with bagels, cupcakes, and candies “just because.” An administrator reflects with you on your professional growth and challenges you to continue to grow.  A colleague looks to you for help during a challenging moment.

I work as a high school counselor in a large school district. (Well, I consider it large graduating from a high school class of 92 people.)  As such, I am in contact with a number of colleagues serving the district in a variety of capacities.  They are driven, smart, capable, talented, and skilled.  Our district is divided into three high schools and those high schools are divided into categorical departments.  We are experts in our roles within our respective schools.  We focus with intensity on our respective jobs, but we are not isolated, and our work is part of something larger than our department’s goals and objectives.  Likewise, our colleagues are functioning within their own set of goals and objectives, and so it goes that we are all intensely focusing on the jobs specific to our positions within our high school and within our district.  As a counselor, I am in a unique position.  I work closely with administration.   I understand the administrative role from a perspective I could never have obtained during my time as a classroom teacher.  And, as a previous classroom teacher, I am intimately aware of the current classroom teacher’s perceptions, and the challenges they face according to their positions.  I remember being confused about what the counselor and the principal did while I was bound to my classroom for 88-minute periods at a time.  I was envious that they didn’t have to live their lives according to the bell system.  They could go to the bathroom whenever they wanted, for heaven’s sake.  I was new to education back then, so I can blame much of my envy and confusion on immaturity and youth.  At any rate, somewhere along the way, I learned to trust my colleagues and give them the benefit of the doubt even when I did not understand.  I learned that I don’t have to know the details of a person’s job to understand that what they do is vitally important. I gained a respect for my colleagues and my administrators that could only come from a more mature, bigger picture point of view.  This is where I stand today:  in awe of the intricacies that make our school work while at the same time, being completely aware of the wholeness and largeness of it all.

All this to say, our roles and how we see ourselves as part of the bigger picture within our school district gives birth to the way we perceive our colleagues and has the power to create intentions/motives within us. Understanding that being a part of a unified team is ALWAYS more important than the individual job at hand keeps us from finger pointing, feeling slighted and overworked, or jealous and resentful.  Seeing our colleagues as professionals yearning to grow and develop the talents within themselves, and seeing that we are all working toward the same common goal, can quickly recenter us and cultivate good intentions toward one another.

When I have been the object of another’s negativity, I take a step back and make a judgment of intentions. I have encountered those whose intentions seem to be self-motivated and self-sustaining, or fueled by pride, arrogance, and a need for power.  While these people can be hurtful, I have come to believe it is supposed to be this way.  Because we are all human, created to be flawed, we all have a personal journey inclusive of the issues unique to us.  Some may struggle within the realm of power or self-preservation. Others have different issues, and I certainly have my own issues and struggles.  On the other hand, it is easy to forgive (or even overlook in the first place) a person who goes a little haywire in a moment of stress or frustration IF I believe that they mean no ill will and that their intentions are for the good of the cause.  Only then, we can pick up and move on in a spirit of unity and teamwork.

We are all misunderstood from time to time.  It can create anxiety, hurt, confusion, and a resolve to do better at communicating those intentions in the future.  I firmly believe, however, that the truth of one’s intentions will eventually prevail.  It seems that sometimes people believe they can mask their intentions or deny them (even to themselves) in order to justify personal actions.  But intentions always reveal themselves.  They are worn upon the face and set upon display through actions.  However, even when we are confident in the purity of our intentions, it takes courage to trudge forward in the face of adversity.

Images: 

zazzle.com

emel.com

When I tell people that I am a high school guidance counselor, all too often I hear a story that goes something like this:  “My counselor did nothing to help me,” “My counselor told me I wasn’t college material.”  When I hear these stories, I cringe.  I immediately want to defend my profession and re-establish a belief in all school counselors everywhere.  But the truth is, there are sometimes 400+ students per counselor, while at the same time, every student needs individualized guidance.  How in the world can this be accomplished with such a large caseload?  We have a complex issue on our hands, and there are students graduating from our high schools today who would say the same thing…their needs went unmet.  Its not that counselors don’t care or don’t work hard.  That’s not it at all. Counselors are some of the most caring, hardest working individuals I know.   I believe we are a unified group of intelligent, tireless, conscientious and unique individuals who are naturally inclined to put others needs above our own.  So exactly what is the issue?

Perhaps the issue stems from an organizational, operational flaw in which many factors are in play.  And, perhaps the problem is partially created by an interpretation error.  Administrators have developed varying opinions on how counselors can best meet the needs of the students and of the school.  The duties given to counselors can sometimes be in opposition to what DESE (Department of Elementary and Secondary Education) tells us comprehensive guidance should be, i.e. administration of testing.  Other administrators unknowingly have a wealth of knowledge and skills embedded within their counseling department which goes untapped.   Then there are those marriages between administrators and counselors that really, really works.  Both parties participate in the creative endeavor of brainstorming new and innovative ways to better reach 100% of the students 100% of the time.

At Benton High School in St. Joseph, counselors and administrators have joined forces to widen the scope of traditional student services to include every certificated staff member in the guidance of our students via a 20 minute daily advisement period called CAMP (Cardinal Advisement and Mentoring Program.)  Advisement is not a new idea, and we are not the first nor the only school to implement it.   But, I simply want to tell you about ours, because I believe ours is unique.  CAMP has been instrumental in creating a rich, collaborative environment between our counselors, administrators and teachers.  The focus of this collaboration:  servicing students in ways that were traditionally handled only by counselors to give our students the best possible guidance.

Here are a few things CAMP teachers have been involved with:

•PLAN/EXPLORE:  There is a wealth of information embedded within these score reports that often goes overlooked, for example; the career interest inventory.  At Benton, CAMP teachers use these scores to direct conversations with students and parents about careers, readiness for college, taking rigorous courses of study,  and how to develop a plan of action to improve ACT scores. (Remember that PLAN/EXPLORE tests are precursors to the ACT and thereby can predict the ACT score.)

•ACT:  In short, every senior in our school will be targeted by one CAMP teacher to first determine whether or not he/she will be taking the ACT, and secondly, to develop a plan to improve his or her ACT score.  The CAMP teacher uses the PLAN/EXPLORE data, historical and current grades in classes, conversations with students about future educational plans, and advice from counselors to place a student within a category which best suits that student’s needs.   The categories have been loosely based on a goal score the student wishes to achieve.   The district offers ACT academies in which our students are involved, but we also run our own academies with highly trained and motivated Benton staff members.  This allows us to narrow our focus to target the needs of BHS students.  We have seen increases in individual student scores.  Another success of this program is that students (of all grade levels) and their parents have become more knowledgeable about how and when to register for ACT and what the score itself really means for college admittance and scholarship dollars.

•Registration for classes:  Counselors continually train the staff on various issues:  how to assist students in choosing classes for the following year is one of those.  For this endeavor, I really tip my hat to our teachers.  This is a challenging aspect of CAMP advisement and teachers and counselors work together very hard to ensure students are signing up for the proper courses.  Although this is a challenging endeavor, it necessitates conversations and collaboration between teachers and counselors which has the ability to develop strong bonds of team work and unity within staff at our school.

•Career Planning: We are beginning to implement Missouri Connections within the CAMP curriculum.  Missouri Connections is an online career planning tool which provides tons of wonderful resources to our students and their parents.  This tool enables students to see the relationship between high school courses and the world of work.

•Grade Checks and At-Risk population notification:  CAMP teachers are holding periodic and scheduled “grade checks” with students.  These conversations are ongoing and consistent.  When a student is struggling, CAMP teachers conference with the student and collaborate with parents, other teachers, counselors and administrators.

•Communication with Parents: Traditional parent/teacher conferences have been replaced by CAMP teacher/parent conferences and these occur all throughout the year in a variety of ways.  CAMP teachers are making contact with parents via phone calls, emails, and face to face conferences.  They do a wonderful job at keeping parents updated on their student’s progress.

What makes this form of advisement work is the teamwork involved in educating the whole child for success. It is the shared perception by our staff that we are all responsible for advising and guiding our students. It is important to note that counselors and classroom teachers are also having important conversations with kids. Counselors will have numerous conversations with parents and students alike about ACT,  grades, registration for classes, college and careers, etc.,etc.   Counselors spend time in the classrooms doing four year plans and meeting with students and parents individually to discuss career paths and personal plans of study.  Likewise, teachers are conferencing with their students and parents about grades and are continually developing plans to assist students who are struggling in their classes.  CAMP teachers don’t REPLACE counselors or other teachers, they enhance, expand upon, and reinforce what other teachers and counselors are doing.  It truly takes a village to raise a child and we are incorporating this philosophy into everything we do at Benton High School.

As with the implementation of any new program, there have been struggles and we have felt the growing pains associated with the implementation of CAMP.  But, we are beginning to share a vision that makes sense to us all.  While at first, confusion existed about how our roles (CAMP teachers and Counselors) fit together, we have navigated through the complexities to realize it is a simple concept after-all.

As the paradigm shift occurs, core beliefs about what "our jobs entail" begin to expand and eventually align with one another.

If you read nothing else in this blog, read this: The true magic of advisement lies within the paradigm shift that must occur within Counselors and CAMP teachers.  As the paradigm shift occurs, core beliefs about what “our jobs entail” begin to expand and eventually align with one another.  In other words, when it feels natural for me as a counselor to believe that a CAMP teacher should be having a conversation with a student about taking the ACT and future planning without feeling any infringement upon my territory, we have succeeded!  Likewise, when a CAMP teacher takes ownership of providing information and guidance in regard to more than his/her own classroom curriculum, we have accomplished a GREAT SUCCESS for our students because we have catapulted ourselves into a range of deeply rooted effectiveness.  We have the ability with advisement to reach 100% of our kids at more than just a surface level.

Images: “Scary Teacher” nothingbutdollsonstrings.wordpress.com

“Wedding Rings” scottdodge.blogspot.com

“Success”  karldieterich.com

On Friday afternoon, I recieved some disturbing news in my email inbox.  My son’s first grade teacher had emailed me.  She caught my son cheating on a spelling test.  He had planned it out.  Earlier in the week, during practice for the test, he had written all of his words on a sheet of paper and entitled the page, “Chtn Sheet.”  My heart sank.  In order to fully understand the range of emotion I was feeling, some background information is necessary.

First of all, my son is a very bright boy.  He is reading above grade level, is considered the “mathematician” in his class and, as such, is receiving differentiated instruction from his teacher.  Things come easy for him.  He most certainly didn’t “need” to cheat.  Secondly, it is important to note that the week prior, he missed 4 words on his spelling test.  I scolded him and warned him that I would take away his Nintendo Wii for a week if he didn’t improve.  Later, I realized that I had failed to consider that he had missed 3 days of school that week due to illness which contributed to his poor performance.  I had a conversation with him about the effect his absences likely had on his spelling test, but stood firm on my expectation.  He was NOT to miss more than two spelling words ever again.  It was at this point that the fear of losing the Wii had taken root within him,  and his little mind began formulating a plan to prevent the loss of his beloved game console.

I have two little boys, a first grader and a preschooler. The past few years have brought with them the challenge of teaching my boys to be honest even in the face of fear of consequence for misbehavior.  I have communicated to them that while they will be in trouble for misbehaving,  they will be in more serious trouble for being dishonest.  Still, somehow they had come to see lying as a way to escape a consequence. So along with the challenge of teaching them to always be truthful, I now had an additional challenge of teaching them to not cheat.  I recognized that both issues were closely related, if not actually one and the same.

With the news of him cheating, I instantly realized his fear of losing his Wii gaming privileges contributed to his misbehavior.  I knew I needed to give him a consequence for cheating, but I also realized that maybe I had dealt with him too harshly the week before by reacting too quickly without taking the full situation into consideration.  Anyone who knows me knows that my expectations are high.  Had they been too high for my child?  And now, what was I going to do?  I was sad and disappointed that he had cheated, but I was also questioning myself.

When he climbed into the car after school that day, I said, “Hello,” as if I knew nothing.  He looked worried.  He said, “Mom, what’s wrong?”  I simply replied, “Why do you ask?”  I wanted to give him the opportunity to tell me what had happened even if he thought I knew nothing about it.  He was silent for awhile and I could see from my rear view mirror that the expression on his face was one of distress.  I thought it would be good for him to sit with this feeling for awhile.  Finally, he said, “I have to tell you something, but I don’t want you to be upset.”  Then, he told me what happened.  He cried and asked if he was in trouble.  He expressed worry about what his consequence was going to be.  “He doesn’t get it,” I thought to myself.  He was too focused on the consequence and not on being remorseful for cheating.  I simply remained calm and unemotional and replied that we were going to talk about it when we got home.  Each time he tried to talk with me about it, I asked him to remain silent until we could discuss it face to face.  We stopped at daycare to pick up his little brother.  Then, I decided we needed a few things from the grocery store.  The longer he had to wait, the more his anxiety grew.   Then, my son’s teacher called me to discuss the situation.  She had found his spelling test on the floor.  He was supposed to bring it home, so she and I discussed whether or not he had left the paper there on purpose.  We couldn’t come to a conclusion on our own, so I politely dismissed myself from the phone conversation and asked my son to tell me the truth.  Had he left the papers at school on purpose or had he really just accidentally dropped them?  He told me it was on accident.  I told him how important it was to tell the truth, and I asked him again.  He changed his story and said that he had left them on purpose.  When I questioned why he lied, he said he hadn’t lied, and that he really had left them on accident.  He had told me it was on purpose ONLY because he thought it was what I wanted to hear.  This made me very sad that he and I had arrived at this point.  I explained to him that I wanted to be able to ask him a question and not question his honesty but just KNOW that his answer was truthful.  I told him because he had lied to me before, I just didn’t know if I could trust him.  “I know,” he replied.  He began to cry again.  My heart was breaking for him.  I didn’t know what to do.  So, after giving him a minute, I asked him to dry his eyes so we could pick up the things we needed from the store.  “We will settle this when we get home,” I told him.

He stayed close to me throughout the store and was unusually quiet.  After a few minutes of shopping, I realized that he was still terribly worried and troubled, so I knelt down beside him.  I looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him.  He melted into my arms right then and there, in the coffee aisle no less, and he began to cry again.  “I wish I had never lied and I wish I had never, ever cheated,” he sobbed. As I held him, I reassured him that it was okay to make a mistake.  I told him it was better to make a mistake and admit it than it was to lie about it and cover it up.  We also talked about how it was better to fail at something than to cheat.  I took his little face in my hands, looked into his eyes, and told him that from that moment on, I was going to trust him 100%. ” Why would I do that?” I asked him.  He didn’t know.  I explained to him that I knew he was so very sorry and so I was wiping the slate clean.  I knew that he had learned his lesson and his relief was almost tangible.  His countenance changed and I could see that he was grateful for another chance.  And I am happy to say that now, I really do sincerely trust him to always tell me the truth and to not cheat.  I couldn’t have said that 2 days ago.

When he woke up this morning, I hugged him.  “Today and from now on, I trust you 100%,” I told him.  He smiled appreciatively and genuinely.   “Do you know the only thing that can cause me to stop trusting you?”  I asked him.  “Me not telling the truth?” he replied.  He got it.  He really got it, and I knew that we had experienced a great success in our relationship and in his learning of why honesty was so important.

We should deal with each other with grace and be perceptive enough to understand the moment in which the lesson has been learned.

This morning as I was processing what had happened between my son and I, and feeling pretty good about the positive outcome experienced, I began to relate this situation to the work place and my profession.  Sometimes we make mistakes and sometimes we need coaching from a “supervisor” or “boss” through an issue.  Many times, I have seen a person’s mistakes go unchecked.  Confrontation is never easy.  On the other hand, I have seen a person’s mistakes dealt with too harshly.  Perhaps there is a lesson to learn in the importance of simply illustrating for a person the consequence of their action/inaction.  Once the illustration has been made, allowing them to take a step back in order to self reflect is important.  It is evidence of the supervisor’s/boss’ trust in the process of a person’s ability to self correct.  It doesn’t always take a lecture or a harsh reprimand.  Sometimes, it merely takes an explanation, a teaching moment, if you will, followed by allowing the space enough to work through what went wrong and what should be done differently in the future.  People can be trusted and people should be respected.  They don’t always need to be chided.  They do, however, need to be given the chance to see the negative result of their action/inaction followed by a suggestion to reflect upon their responsibility in creating the present difficulties. We should deal with each other with grace and be perceptive enough to understand the moment in which the lesson has been learned so as to adjust our position from one of admonishment to one of support and encouragement.  There is so much value in gracefully acknowledging a lesson learned followed by an attempt to reestablish trust with one another.

As I brainstormed the writing of this blog, I realized the same theme was disguised in every topic that came to mind.  I was focusing on what was wrong and how I believed things “should be” in many different contexts in my life.  I hesitated to write any of it.  In attempting to gain perspective, I wanted to explore how I might be playing a role in perpetuating my own dissatisfaction.  Then, the “ah hah” moment came, and I realized that I had set myself up for difficulties by holding fast to these ideas of how I believed things “should be.”

When I allowed myself to become fully immersed in the “should be” state of mind, I couldn’t find the flexibility I needed in order to roll with the punches.  In personal relationships, I allowed myself to be disappointed to a point that I disconnected.  Expectations, of course, are the building blocks for formulating the “should be’s.”  So what are fair expectations?  Aren’t we are entitled to set expectations for others in order to create healthy personal boundaries?   Yes.  But knowing when to let go and realize that each person makes choices in how they behave every single day and that those choices are completely in their control and out of my control is necessary.

I can believe systems or people “should be” a certain way, but when I allow these beliefs to trouble me and disappoint me, I am not accepting things the way they are, and my personal peace is compromised.

“The way things are.”  What a simple statement. There is peace in accepting that various situations in life are as they are and therefore are as they should be.  This is especially hard for someone like me to accept.  Why?  Because I learned somewhere along the way that I was capable of manipulating certain variables in my life, against the odds, to create success (I am using this term loosely and in many different contexts) for myself.  I found myself capable of making things happen.   I developed a strong sense of self-efficacy.   Yet, here I am in a different phase of life realizing the importance and the value in accepting things the way they are.

As it turns out, the “way things are” is a perfectly, imperfect concept because of the inherent challenges it imposes on each of our lives.  Without challenges, how would we grow, and how would we know what we are capable of?  Without accepting that each person has their own journey (sometimes treacherous and clumsy) and that their behaviors may cause us hardships, difficulties or hurt feelings, we will forever be frustrated, disappointed and stuck in trying to create what we deem “should be.”